Tuesday, 26 December 2017

Festival of Carols and Lessons


Jesterminutes Extends Seasonal Greetings to All Our Readers




You are Invited this Christmas to Share in:

The Festival of 9 Carols and 9 Lessons from St. Theresa's The Church of Our Lady of Duplicity, Maidenhead



Carol - The First --The Three Sh*ts

I saw 3 Sh*ts bring Brexit in
One bright June day, one bright June day
I saw 3 Sh*ts bring Brexit in
Now half the nation's in mourning



The First lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 1:

The promises of Leaders, who claim to be daughters of Church of England vicars must be taken with a generous helping of salt


Carol -the Second – Not-so Merry Gentlemen

God help us every working-man
There's plenty more to pay
with 40 billion for Brexit
And with inflation on the way

The Second Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 2:

Never trust a journalist who turns MP. Never trust a MP who turns journalist


 .


Carol -the Third – 'kin Wenceslas


Czech Labourer Wenceslas fcucked off home
on the Feast of Brexit
The fruit just lay round about
No workers left to pix it?



The Third Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 3:

Beware geeks bearing gifts of £350 million





Carol -the Fourth – Ha'way in a Manger

Be a dog in a Manger
Cut your nose off instead
No attempt to staunch the flow
As the economy bled

The Fourth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 4:

Never be DUPED by DUP – (Don't Underestimate Protestants)



Carol -the Fifth – The 3 Kings?


We 3 Kings of Mendacity are
Deceit and lie have served us this far
With falsity and fib we'll tickle your rib,
Kings of misrepresentation we are , we are…oh! Oh!


The Fifth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 5:

Never get caught between 2 Fools



Carol -the Sixth – In the Bleak Mid-Winter?

In the bleak mid-Winter
The nation's left to moan
Wages are still unfrozen
Sterling falls like a stone

The Sixth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 6:

The course of true love never did run smooth



Carol -the Seventh – Bethlehem

O let us live it down in Bedlam
Lets continue to live BoJo's lie
Though we're in deep; we're all just sheep
Let's just let it all pass by


The Seventh Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 7:


Talking through one's hat is a skill only few can perfect



Carol -the Eighth – Lully Lullay

Lully, Lullay, thou little Tiny Isle
somewhere off the coast of Europe
Bye Bye, Big world
Bye Bye, lully lullay



The Eighth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 8:


Time future has passed and Time past is time future




Carol -the Ninth – Joy to the World

Joy to the world! Brexit is come
Let Theresa make BoJo King
Bring on Gover with his broom
'Lord Help us!' let us sing
'Lord help us!' let us sing
'Lord Help us!' let us sing
'Lord Help us!' let us sing

The Ninth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 9:

In the evening when the sky grows dark in the West it is full of chickens flying home to roost



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But at this festive time of year let us not forget

  • 130,000 children homeless and in temporary accommodation*

  • Rough Sleepers up 134% since the Tories came to power*

  • Rough Sleepers up 7% on 2016 to a new 10 year High*

  • Almost 400,000 more children UK were living in poverty last year compared with 2012-13**

  • 300,000 more pensioners in the UK were living in poverty last year compared with 2012-13**


*Figures from Independent Newspaper
**Figures from Joseph Rowntree Trust



Friday, 15 December 2017

Brexiteers fiddle while the NHS burns

Brexiteers Fiddle while the NHS Burns




"The NHS will last as long as there are folk left with faith to fight for it"

 

No society can legitimately call itself civilized if a sick person is denied medical aid because of lack of means.

 

Stop Press: New Health-care Policy Initiative

WIN WITH

Jeremy Hunt's People's NHS Postcode Lottery


Guaranteed winners every day!



For £10 a month you'll be automatically entered into all draws to win these amazing Prizes:


  • Super-Gurney-de-luxe – why not make that waiting on a trolley in A & E that little bit more comfortable?
  • DIY Colonoscopy - pop it up your arse, switch on your i-phone and see what's going on up there!
  • Home Defibrillator – just plug it in and get switched on !
  • An unlimited supply of Jelly Beans - to give to a junior doctor of your choice in A&E to make sure he stays awake through his 36 hour shift





Each Monday


is Super Senior Hip Replacement Day – 10 lucky punters jump that 18 week queue and join the BUPAs in one of our State-of-the-Art Theatres



Every Month - Monthly Dream Holidays - Our lucky 2 winners will travel to France or Holland on the Europhobe–Q-Hopper courtesy of Vitality Health for that cataract operation, carried out by Heer Ruud Helf and Monsieur Getan Eiffel *

Every Weekend

The 'Because you're worth it!' Weekender (sponsored by L'Oreal)

* Unlimited access to a Senior Consultant

* 5.00pm Friday to 8.00am Monday

* They won't like it but just use the password

(fcuk Hunt) for immediate results!

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>Why wait around?

>Sign up now!

At £10 a punt it won't cost you an arm or a leg

Why play with your health?
or as the Secretary of State always says:



Why not?


* Heer Ruud Helf and Monsieur Getan Eiffel were working in the NHS but unaccountably returned home during the Brexit negotiations.

The Secretary of State would like to acknowledge his debt to The People's Post-Code Lottery for this grand policy initiative. JRSH




Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Family Holiday - 'Avin a laugh...Priti much so.

Polly Petal's Family Tours


* Polly's Black Sack'erday – special offer still on – Reach the Heights...The Gollam heights*
!! Book Now while the Conflict lasts!!
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Bespoke Visit to the NEW Gollam Heights 'Lord of Everything We Survey!' Theme Park:
They’re opening it up just for us! No expense spared for this once-in-a lifetime experience. Free to you but donations welcome at BibiNet@Nyahoo.con. – all money goes to 'a very good cause'.
Your Tour Guide, Uncle Ben the 'Zion King'
 

*He's made it big in rice. He made it big in ice-cream. Now he's running the biggest Theme Park in the Middle East! *



Meet the Team:


Your Bubbala wanders off down the hill and disappears? Your inquisitive Boychick discovers a land mine? They're ready to sort it!
Polly says: “We just loved their olive uniforms (courtesy of Gilad Erdan) – rather fetching don't you think?”
(replica shirts available @anotherpatellascam.con)
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Proposed Itinerary

11.00: ‘Run for Cover Helter-Skelter’ - Watch out for those in-bound missiles as you hurtle earthward on a Star of David welcome mat!
* Opening hours subject to change at short notice subject to military manoeuvres in the area * 
 
12.00: New to the Gollam Heights the 'Damascus' Dodgems – not just any old dodgems but 'real tanks for real cranks'

1.00: “Under the radar” a chance for the kids to meet informally with Bibi and Erdi to discuss " how your 5 year old can advance UK-Israel playschool cooperation and counter attempts by badly behaved toddlers to delegitimise Israel in international nurseries and other institutions". 
 
2.00pm: The Kalashnikov Rifle Range – a chance for Dad to show the kids just what he can do! 

 

Hit the Bullseye and win a Syrian refugee!

3.00pm “ All part of the holiday fun” Afternoon Tea an informal get together for you and the kids with BibiakaBenjiNet@Nyahoo, who will read excerpts from his new children's best seller:Kiddie politics”: Israel’s pre-school approach to development and humanitarian issues”

4.00pm: The Scenic Railway – the view is absolutely devastating, or devastated – depends if the staff are having an off day.

6.00pm “Bibi's Back” Mr.Net@Nyahoo invites holidaying parents and children for a traditional meal of Baba Ghanoush and an informal chat about Family Fun in the West Bank Settlements.

7.00pm Safe Sleepy time for all the Family after your exciting Family Day Out
 








Polly Petal Family Tours is sad to announce that this Tour is no longer available as PPFT has gone into licudation.

Sunday, 26 November 2017

And coming up on the rails it's Princess Amber'''

JesterMinutes - May the Farce be with You



Immigration returns(did it ever go away?)


It has been a while but immigration is firmly back on the agenda:

  • The new registration system has resulted in 100 EU nationals being asked to leave with bank accounts being shut down when they are legal UK residents .
  • Office for National Statistics (ONS) figures show that the number of people from EU working in the country has risen by 112,000 since the Referendum to 2.38 million
  • Number of Polish nationals has fallen but numbers from Romania and Bulgaria have risen
  • Home Office has been unable to recruit sufficient caseworkers to deal with 3 million EU registration applications
  • UK Border Agency is hopelessly under-funded to deal with the Post-Brexit arrangements at airports and ports

So let us journey into Brexitland with Alice where she discovers that a self-serving Brexiter can always find a mad solution to a mad self-inflicted problem

Alice in Brexitland







Alice looked up from her tea cup to see the White Rabbit come running by.

Oh bother; bother; bother; 3,000,000 into 1200 won't go! Everyone knows that! Just ask a mathematician; it just won't go! Oh bother and bother again.”

Without noticing the T. Party the White Rabbit disappeared down the road.

Well” said Alice, “The Rabbit is in a bit of a state. He didn't even seem to see us. He never misses the chance of a cup of tea, if there's one going. Whatever can be wrong?

Oh, The Rabbit's been like that for days.” replied The March Hare distractedly.
He has a spot of bother with the Amber Princess. That's why every other word he says is 'bother' “

Who's the Amber Princess?” enquired Alice.


No-one really knows,” mused the Mad Hatter, who had begun to show an interest in the conversation.
She just appeared from nowhere last year sitting at the Red Queen's right hand. The Knave told me that the Red Queen likes the Amber Princess because Amber loves all the dirty jobs that no-one else will do. The Red Queen refuses to do anything that is at all messy. She just says 'I've got a headache send Amber instead'. Amber trots along but all the while is plotting to replace the Red Queen. Tweedledum and Tweedledee are quite put out.”

Amber turning to Red” quipped the March Hare

What has all this got to do with the White Rabbit? “ asked Alice

You see,” said the March Hare, checking his watch to ensure there was time to uncomplicate a complicated story “ When Wonderland became Brexitland the Red Queen promised that she would get rid of all the unwanted Aliens that had flooded in (or like yourself had fallen in through a hole in the ground)

No more German Shepherds – send 'em home
No more French Hens – retournez chez elles
No more Spanish Flies; no more Italian Stallions etc. etc.
And above all no more POLE CATS...send 'em packing.

A plan that was a little mad even by my high standards of madness” continued the March Hare “ It soon became clear that as soon as the Aliens started to go home, there were not enough Aliens left to do all the jobs needed to keep Brexitland going. It was a complete mess, which, of course, meant that the Red Queen sent out an SOS for Amber.

What's an SOS” interjected Alice

SOS is like a panic button.” explained the Hatter laconically. “ As soon as someone shouts Save Our Sovereignty, we all have to drop what we are doing and join the panic.

Now we've got AA as well as SOS” said the March Hare mysteriously. They invent a new Aggronym every time there's a spot of bother...and before you ask, Alice, AA stands for Amber's Ass-essments...and before you ask 'what's an Ass-sessment' the answer, as Humpty Dumpty says, lies in the word itself.

Amber has devised an Aggrorithm ,which helps her decide on which Aliens to keep and which Aliens to dump . Each Alien is made to answer ridiculous questions like 'How many flamingos do you need for a game of croquet?' Answers are awarded 'keep' points or 'chop' points. If you score more 'keep' points than 'chops' you stay; but if you have more 'chops' you are chopped!” proclaimed a delighted Hare.

 


The only trouble is” interrupted the Hatter “There are millions of ass-sessments to be done and not enough Ass-sessors. That's why the Rabbit is in such a stew as he has to get all the Ass-sessments done by yesterday.
Yesterday's count showed that there were only 1200 Brexitlanders prepared to work as Ass-sessors.”

So no-one wants to be an Amber Ass-sessor.” said Alice thoughtfully. “Why not?”

It's a matter of Jelly Beans” replied the Hatter. “Amber won't pay them enough Jelly Beans!”

The talk of numbers and Jelly Beans caused the Dormouse to waken. Dormouse loved Jelly Beans and calculations, but he absolutely adored calculations which involved both Jelly Beans and numbers.

If 3,000,000 won't go into 1200, you just borrow” he said in a sort of superior Dormousy voice; with a flourish, he produced a spreadsheet from the tea-pot to support his point.

Borrow? Did someone say borrow” piped up the White Rabbit, who had stolen up unheeded.

Borrow, brilliant...that's it” said an ecstatic White Rabbit. “We borrow clever Pole-cats to do Amber's Ass-sessments. They have always done the work, better, quicker and cheaper than anyone else in Brexitland”

Mad; deliciously, contradictorially, vastly hypocritically mad!” chimed in the Hatter

So do you mean we get Princess Amber to employ Pole-cats to get rid of unwanted Aliens including other Pole-cats?” enquired Alice “It is completely mad.”

We’re all mad here in Brexitland. I’m mad. You’re mad.’ commented an airy, amused voice from on high.

Alice looked up to see that the Cheshire Cat had appeared. The Cat had been smiling approvingly as the discussion concluded.

`How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice.

`You must be,’ said the Cat, `Or you wouldn’t have come here.’

I suppose so” said Alice, “ Except I don't think I chose to be here...”



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Monday, 13 November 2017

Pity 'bout Priti

Priti Woman – a song by Roy Awesome




Priti Woman just left Downing Street

Priti Woman, up to her neck in sheet

Priti Woman; no-one believes you; can't tell the truth

No-one can lie as good as you...murky

Priti Woman, it looks priti murky to me

Holding meetings when no-one can see

Priti Woman, Netanyahu's round for tea

Priti Woman, let's play Diplomacy

Priti Woman, she's cut no slack

Priti Woman, just got the sack

Priti woman looks priti daft to me

Priti woman, hay, hay ,hay

You just fcucked off Theresa May

Priti woman cock-sure or thick?

Priti Woman, not too quick?

Priti Woman looks priti dim to me.

Okay....I said Okay...Just go away

Like Fokker Fox, you'll be back some day

Just say, oh yeah; just gotta say, to Terry May
C'mon Theresa, can you really see

Brexit going ahead without me?

Brexit going ahead without me?”

Oh yeah...Priti woman (Cha; cha; cha...)


Priti Woman – a song by Roy Awesome


Priti Woman just left Downing Street

Priti Woman, up to her neck in sheet

Priti Woman; no-one believes you; can't tell the truth

No-one can lie as good as you...murky

Priti Woman, it looks priti murky to me

Holding meetings when no-one can see

Priti Woman, Netanyahu's round for tea

Priti Woman, let's play Diplomacy

Priti Woman, she's cut no slack

Priti Woman, just got the sack

Priti woman looks priti daft to me

Priti woman, hay, hay ,hay

You just fcucked off Theresa May

Priti woman cock-sure or thick?

Priti Woman, not too quick?

Priti Woman looks priti dim to me.

Okay....I said Okay...Just go away

Like Fokker Fox, you'll be back some day

Just say, oh yeah; just gotta say, to Terry May
C'mon Theresa, can you really see

Brexit going ahead without me?

Brexit going ahead without me?”

Oh yeah...Priti woman (Cha; cha; cha...)





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