An
Episode of The Generally Vile Show
Voice
Off: Welcome to the Generally
Vile Show and here's your host Jeremy Vyle.
JV:
Yes, welcome to this, the show, which belongs to you, the Prurient
Public. We have something special for you this morning. Today we are
down in the gutter in high places. We have what the toffs call a
'folie a trois'. Three ladies, who have fallen for the same
Lascivious Lothario. Two ladies, who know what it's like to be left
'holding the baby' and one, who is still trying to get money from the
Artful Todger for his 'Love Child'
First
lady right in here please. (restrained
applause from women in the audience drowned out by loud boos from the
Artful Todger's supporters)
To protect your identity, we will call you Allegro
Austin. Tell me Allegro when did the Artful Todger's (we
will call him that for the time being in order to protect his
identity) behaviour start to concern you?
A.A. Well he was always a bit odd. For a start he
seemed to have a language of his own – he would call me his
Glistening Otter and when we were intimate he would insist on calling
me ''Matron' (taking him back to happy times in
the dorm at Eton); when he reached his conclusion he
would mutter 'Top Totty' and 'Breasts that would make any hot-blooded
male vote Tory'. It seemed a bit weird but I suppose...(you see I
was young and impressionable)... that I was flattered at the
time.
JV: So when did it all start to go wrong.
A.A. So, once we were an item, Todge's behaviour quickly
became erratic. When we were out he would march up to homeless chaps
in the street; whip out a £50 note from his porte-monnaie (a
wallet to me and you) and set fire to it, all the while
laughing uproariously in the face of said person. When I complained,
he said that when he was out with the lads from the 'BullyBoy Club'
they would do it all the time... I should lighten up and join in the
fun.
J.V. Sounds pretty harmless hi-jinks to me. C'mon I'm
going to need a bit more dirt than that.
Voice from Gent in audience wearing 'I was a brick
in the Red Wall but now Todge is my man T-shirt'
Yeah, what's she
complaining about. Now they've put (as Todge himself would
say) a tank-top wearing bumboy
on a 'Thrifty'* I'd do the same myself.
A.A. The first hint I had that perhaps I had made a
mistake was when he showed up for our wedding without any trousers.
How right Max von Hastings was when he described my Dear Todge as 'an
unsafe pair of trousers'.
*Thrifty – a slang word
for £50 note
Todgy always thought of himself as the ultimate lover.
Most nights he would slip off his cacks, leap into bed shouting the
dreaded words 'Tally Ho! Johnson unchained'
J.V. (wanting to cut to the chase)
But weren't there other women?
(sounds of scuffles off-stage and plaintiff Toff
male voice (V.O.)
V.O. Marina, please don't spill the beans . You still
love your little Floppsie -Moppsie...oh please Cotton-tail!
TO BE CONTINUED
