Let's
Play MasterGrime
Humpy
Friss:Welcome
viewers to MasterGrime
2017
the show where we try to find the
most
grubby MP at Westminster
You all know the rules –
quite simple - the contestant , who manages to avoid giving a
straight or correct answer to the most questions wins .
Let's meet the first
contestant. Your name please.
BoJo:
Alexander, Boris de Feffel Johnson.
Humpy:
And your specialist subject?
BoJo:
Alexander Boris de Feffel Johnson
Humpy:
so
BoJo you have 60 seconds to avoid or give incorrect answers to
questions
on yourself
starting now...
Who did
you once describe as a Monosyllabic Austrian Cyborg?
BoJo:
Hitler.
Humpy:
No
it was Arnold Schwazenegger against who you deployed this racist
slur.
Humpy:
What
caused Eddie Mair to suggest “You are a nasty piece of work”
BoJo:
Now personally I like Eddie; he was just put up to it by some Beeb
Mugwump.
Humpy:
Incorrect. He was referring to how you helped the criminal Darius
Guppy to seek out and beat up a mutual acquaintance.
Humpy:
When you were a member of the Bullingdon Club. What was the most
disgusting activity you and your over-priviliged cronies indulged
yourself in. Was it
a) Inflicting £20k
damages on a hostelry, where you had been having 'fun'
b) Setting light to a
£50 note in front of a beggar
c) Some other
outlandish activity?
BoJo:
Setting light to a £50 note.
Humpy:
Incorrect. The worst collective act of the Bullers was to make a
young woman get down on all fours like a horse; and getting her to
whinny whilst the cronies brought out hunting horns and whips.
Humpy:
Which Government Minister said of you “ You wouldn't trust him to
take you home at the end of the evening”?
BoJo:
Well that could be any number of lucky ladies, who have spent time in
the cabinet with me. The Right Honourable Truss, gets my vote.
Humpy:
Incorrect . It was in fact Amber (as far as BoJo is concerned it's
Amber changing to Red) Rudd.
Humpy:
Who said “my policy on cake is pro-having it and pro-eating it”?
BoJo:
Marie- Antoinette
Humpy:
Incorrect. Boris de Feffel Johnson
Humpy:
You were sacked from the Times in 1988. Was it for
a) not keeping Little
Johnson in his trousers
b) referring to black
people as piccaninnies and talking about water-melon smiles
c) false claims in an
article
BoJo:
Trouble
with Little Johnson.
Humpy:
Incorrect
. Although all three gaffs are attributable to you, on this occasion
you were sacked for false claims in an article. Indeed, it has been
suggested that you were first to treat your gullible readership to
'Fake News'
Humpy:
How
many illegitimate children have you sired?
BoJo:
Oh, cripes...er 10?
Humpy:
Incorrect. The official figure is 2.
Humpy:
Who was responsible for bringing hire bikes to London.
BoJo:
That's easy. BoJo; that's why they're known as Boris Bikes – proud
moment, if I might say so?
Humpy:
Incorrect. The hire scheme was the brain-child of previous mayor of
London, Ken Livingstone. You just took all the credit.
Humpy:
Which
has been the most costly of Boris' London follies as set out in
Douglas Murphy's book Nincompoopolis? Was it
a) the new Routemaster
bus, an overheating, overpriced lump of nostalgia
b) the Emirates
Airline, a novelty cable car ride presented as a crucial transport
link, which has failed to attract regular commuters and loses an
estimated £50,000 a week.
c) the mad attempt to
revive the Crystal Palace with the help of a Chinese developer
d) the Thames Garden
Bridge – oh so sadly ditched by your successor as Mayor
e) other?
BoJo:
Steady on there Humpy. There were so many great projects in BoJo's
reign. But if I had to plump for one it would have to be the
hopelessly overheating nostalgia-bus.
Humpy:
Incorrect. It is in fact the ArcelorMittal Orbit, a mangled £20m
totem pole intended to make £1.2m a year for the upkeep of the
Olympic park, but which has instead cost the taxpayer £10,000 a week
to maintain.
Humpy:
Did you urge the voters to vote Tory (peep-peep-peep).
I've started so I'll finish,
because
a) things are better
under the Tories
b) Labour cannot be
trusted on the economy
c) we must keep Corbyn
out of Downing Street
d) voting Tory will
cause your wife to have bigger breasts
BoJo:
Ok Humpy; I have to own up to this one. It was the line about big
tits
Humpy:
Astonishingly, you have given a correct and honest answer
Humpy:
Thank you Mr. Johnson for
your obfuscation, and your blustering dishonesty. You have answered 9
questions either dishonestly or incorrectly and only 1 question
straightforwardly and correctly.
So
at the end of round 1 you have 9
points
and no
passes
Bojo:
(aside)
First time I've got through a show without making a pass at someone.
LoL!
Stay
tuned for the next contestant on MASTERGRIME
(lowering
of lights,dramatic music and fade)
Humpy
Friss:Welcome
viewers to MasterGrime
2017
the show where we try to find the
most
grubby MP at Westminster
You all know the rules –
quite simple - the contestant , who manages to avoid giving a
straight or correct answer to the most questions wins .
Let's meet the first
contestant. Your name please.
BoJo:
Alexander, Boris de Feffel Johnson.
Humpy:
And your specialist subject?
BoJo:
Alexander Boris de Feffel Johnson
Humpy:
so
BoJo you have 60 seconds to avoid or give incorrect answers to
questions
on yourself
starting now...
Who did
you once describe as a Monosyllabic Austrian Cyborg?
BoJo:
Hitler.
Humpy:
No
it was Arnold Schwazenegger against who you deployed this racist
slur.
Humpy:
What
caused Eddie Mair to suggest “You are a nasty piece of work”
BoJo:
Now personally I like Eddie; he was just put up to it by some Beeb
Mugwump.
Humpy:
Incorrect. He was referring to how you helped the criminal Darius
Guppy to seek out and beat up a mutual acquaintance.
Humpy:
When you were a member of the Bullingdon Club. What was the most
disgusting activity you and your over-priviliged cronies indulged
yourself in. Was it
a) Inflicting £20k
damages on a hostelry, where you had been having 'fun'
b) Setting light to a
£50 note in front of a beggar
c) Some other
outlandish activity?
BoJo:
Setting light to a £50 note.
Humpy:
Incorrect. The worst collective act of the Bullers was to make a
young woman get down on all fours like a horse; and getting her to
whinny whilst the cronies brought out hunting horns and whips.
Humpy:
Which Government Minister said of you “ You wouldn't trust him to
take you home at the end of the evening”?
BoJo:
Well that could be any number of lucky ladies, who have spent time in
the cabinet with me. The Right Honourable Truss, gets my vote.
Humpy:
Incorrect . It was in fact Amber (as far as BoJo is concerned it's
Amber changing to Red) Rudd.
Humpy:
Who said “my policy on cake is pro-having it and pro-eating it”?
BoJo:
Marie- Antoinette
Humpy:
Incorrect. Boris de Feffel Johnson
Humpy:
You were sacked from the Times in 1988. Was it for
a) not keeping Little
Johnson in his trousers
b) referring to black
people as piccaninnies and talking about water-melon smiles
c) false claims in an
article
BoJo:
Trouble
with Little Johnson.
Humpy:
Incorrect
. Although all three gaffs are attributable to you, on this occasion
you were sacked for false claims in an article. Indeed, it has been
suggested that you were first to treat your gullible readership to
'Fake News'
Humpy:
How
many illegitimate children have you sired?
BoJo:
Oh, cripes...er 10?
Humpy:
Incorrect. The official figure is 2.
Humpy:
Who was responsible for bringing hire bikes to London.
BoJo:
That's easy. BoJo; that's why they're known as Boris Bikes – proud
moment, if I might say so?
Humpy:
Incorrect. The hire scheme was the brain-child of previous mayor of
London, Ken Livingstone. You just took all the credit.
Humpy:
Which
has been the most costly of Boris' London follies as set out in
Douglas Murphy's book Nincompoopolis? Was it
a) the new Routemaster
bus, an overheating, overpriced lump of nostalgia
b) the Emirates
Airline, a novelty cable car ride presented as a crucial transport
link, which has failed to attract regular commuters and loses an
estimated £50,000 a week.
c) the mad attempt to
revive the Crystal Palace with the help of a Chinese developer
d) the Thames Garden
Bridge – oh so sadly ditched by your successor as Mayor
e) other?
BoJo:
Steady on there Humpy. There were so many great projects in BoJo's
reign. But if I had to plump for one it would have to be the
hopelessly overheating nostalgia-bus.
Humpy:
Incorrect. It is in fact the ArcelorMittal Orbit, a mangled £20m
totem pole intended to make £1.2m a year for the upkeep of the
Olympic park, but which has instead cost the taxpayer £10,000 a week
to maintain.
Humpy:
Did you urge the voters to vote Tory (peep-peep-peep).
I've started so I'll finish,
because
a) things are better
under the Tories
b) Labour cannot be
trusted on the economy
c) we must keep Corbyn
out of Downing Street
d) voting Tory will
cause your wife to have bigger breasts
BoJo:
Ok Humpy; I have to own up to this one. It was the line about big
tits
Humpy:
Astonishingly, you have given a correct and honest answer
Humpy:
Thank you Mr. Johnson for
your obfuscation, and your blustering dishonesty. You have answered 9
questions either dishonestly or incorrectly and only 1 question
straightforwardly and correctly.
So
at the end of round 1 you have 9
points
and no
passes
Bojo:
(aside)
First time I've got through a show without making a pass at someone.
LoL!
Stay
tuned for the next contestant on MASTERGRIME
(lowering
of lights,dramatic music and fade)
