A Song to Celebrate the First Landing of Romanian Fruit Pickers at Stanstead Airport

A Song to Celebrate the First Landing of Romanian Fruit Pickers at Stanstead Airport

(or Mark Francois' Doomsday Scenario)

Immigration Now Come on by K.o.o.L & The Gangmeisters

Immigrate good times, Come on

Asparagus pickers good times, Come on

Fruit and veg go to waste right here

Unpicked harvest throughout the year

So bring back Romanians, Pollacks too

We're completely fucked without the likes of you

Come on now

Immigration

Lets pick that fruit, pack that veg

Immigration

You gotta immigrate to earn your wedge

Get on that plane it's Stanstead bound

There's an unskilled job for you

Everyone across the world

Come on

Yahoo! Atchoo! Immigration

Covid 19 – no bar to you

Come on

Immigrate, good times, Come on

Mark Francois he love immigration

Immigrate, pick crops

All yo Romanians,

C'mon

Farmers gonna welcome you tonight

Immigrate NOW, you know it's right

Fieldworkers, guaranteed a good time

No minimum wage, that's just fine

Immigration NOW, come on...etc. Etc.

The songster wishes to acknowledge his debt to Mr. K.o.o.L and the Gang – now just C'mon!

(or Mark Francois' Doomsday Scenario)

Immigration Now Come on by K.o.o.L & The Gangmeisters

Immigrate good times, Come on

Asparagus pickers good times, Come on

Fruit and veg go to waste right here

Unpicked harvest throughout the year

So bring back Romanians, Pollacks too

We're completely fucked without the likes of you

Come on now

Immigration

Lets pick that fruit, pack that veg

Immigration

You gotta immigrate to earn your wedge

Get on that plane it's Stanstead bound

There's an unskilled job for you

Everyone across the world

Come on

Yahoo! Atchoo! Immigration

Covid 19 – no bar to you

Come on

Immigrate, good times, Come on

Mark Francois he love immigration

Immigrate, pick crops

All yo Romanians,

C'mon

Farmers gonna welcome you tonight

Immigrate NOW, you know it's right

Fieldworkers, guaranteed a good time

No minimum wage, that's just fine

Immigration NOW, come on...etc. Etc.

The songster wishes to acknowledge his debt to Mr. K.o.o.L and the Gang – now just C'mon!

The Generally Vile Show

An Episode of The Generally Vile Show

Voice Off: Welcome to the Generally Vile Show and here's your host Jeremy Vyle.

JV: Yes, welcome to this, the show, which belongs to you, the Prurient Public. We have something special for you this morning. Today we are down in the gutter in high places. We have what the toffs call a 'folie a trois'. Three ladies, who have fallen for the same Lascivious Lothario. Two ladies, who know what it's like to be left 'holding the baby' and one, who is still trying to get money from the Artful Todger for his 'Love Child'

First lady right in here please. (restrained applause from women in the audience drowned out by loud boos from the Artful Todger's supporters)

To protect your identity, we will call you Allegro Austin. Tell me Allegro when did the Artful Todger's (we will call him that for the time being in order to protect his identity) behaviour start to concern you?

A.A. Well he was always a bit odd. For a start he seemed to have a language of his own – he would call me his Glistening Otter and when we were intimate he would insist on calling me ''Matron' (taking him back to happy times in the dorm at Eton); when he reached his conclusion he would mutter 'Top Totty' and 'Breasts that would make any hot-blooded male vote Tory'. It seemed a bit weird but I suppose...(you see I was young and impressionable)... that I was flattered at the time.

JV: So when did it all start to go wrong.

A.A. So, once we were an item, Todge's behaviour quickly became erratic. When we were out he would march up to homeless chaps in the street; whip out a £50 note from his porte-monnaie (a wallet to me and you) and set fire to it, all the while laughing uproariously in the face of said person. When I complained, he said that when he was out with the lads from the 'BullyBoy Club' they would do it all the time... I should lighten up and join in the fun.

J.V. Sounds pretty harmless hi-jinks to me. C'mon I'm going to need a bit more dirt than that.

Voice from Gent in audience wearing 'I was a brick in the Red Wall but now Todge is my man T-shirt'

Yeah, what's she complaining about. Now they've put (as Todge himself would say) a tank-top wearing bumboy on a 'Thrifty'* I'd do the same myself.

A.A. The first hint I had that perhaps I had made a mistake was when he showed up for our wedding without any trousers. How right Max von Hastings was when he described my Dear Todge as 'an unsafe pair of trousers'.

*Thrifty – a slang word for £50 note

Todgy always thought of himself as the ultimate lover. Most nights he would slip off his cacks, leap into bed shouting the dreaded words 'Tally Ho! Johnson unchained'

J.V. (wanting to cut to the chase) But weren't there other women?

(sounds of scuffles off-stage and plaintiff Toff male voice (V.O.)

V.O. Marina, please don't spill the beans . You still love your little Floppsie -Moppsie...oh please Cotton-tail!

TO BE CONTINUED

farewell saj. Sad to see you go...

Sajidfaction (or He Had It Coming) by The Strolling Moans

Dom can't get no Sajidfaction, Dom can't get no

Sajidfaction

He's tried (and Lord knows) he's tried

Dom can't get no, Dom can't get no...

When Dom's driving in his car

And Saj comes on that Radio 4

Tellin' Robbo more and more, Treasury information

He's gonna upset all the nation

Dom can't get no Sajidfaction

Dom's at home watchin' the BBC

And Saj comes on and says

It's impossible to work with me

And he can't fund no Vanity Projects

'Cos we still need austerity

Dom can't get no...hey, hey, hey

He'll soon be on his way

Cos' he's fried, fried and he's fried

Dom can't get no Sajidfaction...

Now Bozza's jollyin' round the world

And he's promising this and funding that

Now he's tryin' to impress some girl,

Who tells Bozza

'Baby, better come back maybe next week

Cos' Saj's the one not that Cummings Freak'

Bozza can't get no; oh no,no,no;hey, hey, hey!

Saj just can't stay; out the door's the only way

Bozza can't get no Sajidfaction

Dom can't get no Sajidfaction

No Sajidfaction, No Sajidfaction.

Fcuck off Sajid along with your faction...