The Generally Vile Show

An Episode of The Generally Vile Show

Voice Off: Welcome to the Generally Vile Show and here's your host Jeremy Vyle.

JV: Yes, welcome to this, the show, which belongs to you, the Prurient Public. We have something special for you this morning. Today we are down in the gutter in high places. We have what the toffs call a 'folie a trois'. Three ladies, who have fallen for the same Lascivious Lothario. Two ladies, who know what it's like to be left 'holding the baby' and one, who is still trying to get money from the Artful Todger for his 'Love Child'

First lady right in here please. (restrained applause from women in the audience drowned out by loud boos from the Artful Todger's supporters)

To protect your identity, we will call you Allegro Austin. Tell me Allegro when did the Artful Todger's (we will call him that for the time being in order to protect his identity) behaviour start to concern you?

A.A. Well he was always a bit odd. For a start he seemed to have a language of his own – he would call me his Glistening Otter and when we were intimate he would insist on calling me ''Matron' (taking him back to happy times in the dorm at Eton); when he reached his conclusion he would mutter 'Top Totty' and 'Breasts that would make any hot-blooded male vote Tory'. It seemed a bit weird but I suppose...(you see I was young and impressionable)... that I was flattered at the time.

JV: So when did it all start to go wrong.

A.A. So, once we were an item, Todge's behaviour quickly became erratic. When we were out he would march up to homeless chaps in the street; whip out a £50 note from his porte-monnaie (a wallet to me and you) and set fire to it, all the while laughing uproariously in the face of said person. When I complained, he said that when he was out with the lads from the 'BullyBoy Club' they would do it all the time... I should lighten up and join in the fun.

J.V. Sounds pretty harmless hi-jinks to me. C'mon I'm going to need a bit more dirt than that.

Voice from Gent in audience wearing 'I was a brick in the Red Wall but now Todge is my man T-shirt'

Yeah, what's she complaining about. Now they've put (as Todge himself would say) a tank-top wearing bumboy on a 'Thrifty'* I'd do the same myself.

A.A. The first hint I had that perhaps I had made a mistake was when he showed up for our wedding without any trousers. How right Max von Hastings was when he described my Dear Todge as 'an unsafe pair of trousers'.

*Thrifty – a slang word for £50 note

Todgy always thought of himself as the ultimate lover. Most nights he would slip off his cacks, leap into bed shouting the dreaded words 'Tally Ho! Johnson unchained'

J.V. (wanting to cut to the chase) But weren't there other women?

(sounds of scuffles off-stage and plaintiff Toff male voice (V.O.)

V.O. Marina, please don't spill the beans . You still love your little Floppsie -Moppsie...oh please Cotton-tail!

TO BE CONTINUED